Resources

Other Helpful Resources

Your Healing through Divorce

Divorce Help's^sm mission is to remove from your plate as much of the time-consuming overwhelming work of divorce proceedings as possible, so you can focus on your healing, your children and whatever your work is.

Does your church have a divorce recovery workshop? If not, or if you do not attend church, many large churches offer divorce recovery workshops, and you do not have to attend that church or any church to participate. Many of these are very helpful in your healing. Often these workshops also offer divorce recovery workshops for children and teenagers at the same time. Your children will learn, among other things, that your divorce is not their fault...they need to hear this over and over again.

Counseling/recovery groups. Your story is very significant. And it is important for you to tell it, over and over again if you need to. Be cautious to whom you tell your story, especially not to or around your children. Your children need to deal with their own issues, not adult issues. Pick safe people who will listen and not blame you.

When He Leaves: Help and Hope for Hurting Wives, by Kari West & Noelle Quinn

Feel your pain. When you are sad, cry and cry and cry some more. It is OK for your children to sometimes see you cry, but try to do the heart-wrenching stuff away from them so they don't feel afraid or that they need to take care of you . When you are angry, feel it, write about it, dance to angry and strong music, paint, run ... whatever helps you. Have you tried journaling? Write out all your feelings, thoughts, and questions. You cannot recover if you stuff your pain - distractions may seem to numb the pain but it will surface in various damaging ways, to yourself or to those around you. If you don't feel it.

Even if you have never been physically struck, you could have been in an abusive relationship

• Are you frightened of your partner?
• Are you often compliant because you are afraid of your partner's anger?
• Do you sometimes feel crazy or insecure after a talk with your partner?
• Are you confused because your partner seems to be well liked and well behaved around everyone else, but treats you badly?
• Are you blamed by your partner, for just about everything (relational problems, his problems, feelings, and behaviors)?
• Does your partner limit your access to work or material resources?
• Does your partner ridicule you or get angry when you have a different opinion?
• Has your partner ever thrown away or destroyed things that belong to you?
• Does your partner try to control the way you dress, what you do, or who you see?
• Does your partner call you names or ever put you down?
• Have you ever been shoved, restrained, or had things thrown at you by an angry or jealous partner?

If you answered "yes" to any of those questions, you may be in an abusive relationship

Even if you are going through a divorce, and you do not have to live in the same house as your abusive spouse, if you suspect you may have been abused, it is still important to get help. Understanding is important to your healing, and there will be a great deal of healing needed beyond your severed marriage in the case of abuse. If you have children with your abusive spouse, you will have to be in contact with him until your children are 19 years old, and you will need skills to limit his abuse of you.

Learn more about abuse.

Parenting through Divorce

Hopefully you have already heard this several times because it is true and intensely important for the well-being of your children: speaking negatively of your former spouse to your children or where your children can overhear you is extremely damaging to your children. Children, up until they reach about 12 years of age, are so connected with their biological parents, that they believe they are 1/2 of each parent. If one parent is "bad", they believe they are 1/2 bad. This is extremely damaging to the core of who they are.

Because of this, if you are the one who has been betrayed, now that the divorce is happening, you have the potential of damaging your children more than your former spouse since you are so hurt and have the potential of bad-mouthing their dad. Even if your former spouse is bad-mouthing you, it is important not to even defend yourself when your children challenge you, because negative things about the other parent tend to come out in your defense. This is so difficult! When you need supernatural strength to do something as difficult as encouraging your children to have a good relationship with the woman your former spouse cheated on you with, remember that you love your children more than you hate your former spouse. Other good advice is to disengage from the moment and attend to their feelings, e.g. "It sounds like you're really confused by that", "It sounds like you're really upset", or "Wow, how does that feel?".

Seek out resources that inform and educate you how to parent your children through divorce.

Step-parenting

Educate yourself about step families! Step families are run by completely different laws than original families. Throw out the old rules and learn new ones.

Recommended Resources:

The Institute for Family Research and Education provides conferences, audio CD's, and book to promote education to improve step family life.   
http://www.ifre.org/ifre/splash

Step Families: Myths and Realities, Vischer & Vischer

Step Parenting: Everything You Need to Know to Make it Work, Jeanette Lofas

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