Even if you have never been physically struck, you could have been in an abusive relationship
- Are you frightened of your partner?
- Are you often compliant because you are afraid of your partner's anger?
- Do you sometimes feel crazy or insecure after a talk with your partner?
- Are you confused because your partner seems to be well liked and well behaved around everyone else, but
treats you badly?
- Are you blamed by your partner, for just about everything (relational problems, his problems, feelings,
and behaviors)?
- Does your partner limit your access to work or material resources?
- Does your partner ridicule you or get angry when you have a different opinion?
- Has your partner ever thrown away or destroyed things that belong to you?
- Does your partner try to control the way you dress, what you do, or who you see?
- Does your partner call you names or ever put you down?
- Have you ever been shoved, restrained, or had things thrown at you by an angry or jealous partner?
If you answered "yes" to any of those questions, you may be in an abusive relationship
Even if you are going through a divorce, and you do not have to live in the same house as your abusive
spouse, if you suspect you may have been abused, it is still important to get help. Understanding is important
to your healing, and there will be a great deal of healing needed beyond your severed marriage in the case
of abuse. If you have children with your abusive spouse, you will have to be in contact with him until
your children are 19 years old, and you will need skills to limit his abuse of you.
Learn more about abuse
Abuse is not always obvious or overt. Abuse is one person trying to control another, and that can
be accomplished in many different ways.
Some methods of verbal or emotional abuse include: blaming, diverting, continual arguing, forgetting, minimizing, belittling, crazy-making, demeaning, abusive anger, threatening, ordering, intimidating, mental coercion, and loud voices to generate fear. Spiritual abuse also includes using God or scripture to control or belittle you, telling you you must submit, excusing his controlling behavior as his right and authority, among other things.
But does abuse really happen that much in church, and in my socio-economic circle? Yes and yes.
Abuse happens regularly in homes in which the family members attend church, or are very active in the church. And abuse happens regularly in every race, income level, and profession.
How can this be? Profession of and involvement in faith activities doesn't seem to line up with abusiveness in the home. It shouldn't, but it often does.
The reason church involvement and abuse can occur by the same person is that many abusive men have what is called the "Dr Jeckyl / Mr. Hyde" Syndrome. They are adept at being kind and appearing even deeply spiritual to everyone except their partner and/or children.
Because of the less-overt, manipulative techniques used to control, you may be confused, feel crazy, depressed, or believe you are to be blamed or at least equally blamed for your relational problems. These are all common effects of being abused. your partner may even be accusing you of abuse, or will once he's confronted, though statistically men are far more likely to be the perpetrators.
If you think you or someone you know is being abused, and statistically it is unlikely you don't, please get help.
Getting Help
The key to stopping abuse is INTERVENTION. Intervention involves a qualified outside person.
- Confronting the abusive person.
- Physically separating the couple if there is risk of physical abuse or if he refuses to get help.
- Insisting the abuser get in a qualified intervention program
- Providing support for the victim
Most counselors are NOT qualified to do intervention counseling, and marriage counseling is counter-indicated
for abusive relationships.
LifeSkills International, based in Aurora, CO has been authorized by the state to do intervention programs and
is also faith-based. (303) 340-0598.
http://www.lifeskillsintl.org/
TESSA is Colorado Springs' organization which helps victims of abuse by providing many services.
(719) 633-3819 Crisis Line
There are support groups, probably in your area, for victims of abuse.
If you are not ready to get intervention for your abusive relationship, or if you're not even certain that you
are being abused, you can begin to learn about what is happening to you by reading on your own. It
is recommended that you keep this reading confidential, at least at first, as most abusive men will get angry
and punish you for reading about abuse. These things will help you determine if you are being abused or
not, help you respond in better ways, help you realize that you are not crazy, and help you get the help
and support you need.
Even if you are going through a divorce and you do not have to live in the same house as your abusive spouse,
if you suspect you may have been abused, it is still important to get help. Understanding is important to
your healing, and there will be a great deal of healing needed beyond your severed marriage in the case
of abuse. If you have children with your abusive spouse, you will have to be in contact with him until
your children are 19 years old, and you will need skills to limit his abuse of you.
God condemns abuse. There are more than 100 Biblical passages addressing battering, violence, rape,
incest, stalking, lying in wait, twisting the words of another, threats and intimidation.
Recommended Reading
Recommended Reading for Abuse
Secular-
The Verbally Abusive Relationship, by Patricia Evans.
This book does an amazing job of detailing many of the categories of verbal abuse. She gives examples of these categories as well as good advice on better ways to respond to each of them, so as not to get sucked in. She also gives her view contrasting an abuser's (Power Over) and everyone else's (Power Within) outlook on life/relationships. This books is extremely helpful... you will want to refer back to it continually.
Christian -
Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them: Breaking the Cycle of Physical and Mental Abuse , by Paul Hegstron (director of LifeSkills International).
Hegstrom covers many basic understandings of abuse such as: Characteristics of abusers and describes all the varieties of abuse. He also focuses on his theory of what drives abusers to abuse, and shares his and his wife's personal testimony.
Christian Men Who Hate Women, by Dr. Margaret J. Rinck.
From Library Journal - Rinck addresses primarily evangelical and fundamentalist Christians who may deny or excuse abuse of women and children under the guise of "biblical principles" of submission or who may use Christian teachings of the indissolubility of marriage as justification for remaining in abusive relationships. The book provides good, clean analysis of how such relationships develop and continue, and how both parties - and sometimes pastors or the church - collude in their continuance. The book also includes suggestions about therapeutic treatment and about the role of the local church.
Bold Love, by Dr. Dan B. Allendar and Dr. Tremper Longman III.
This book discusses how to truly love depending on the sort of person you are in a relationship with (normal sinner, fool, or evil person), which doesn't look like what we're often taught or what feels loving. They discuss forgiveness, Scripturally, but in a different light than I have heard before, and true reconciliation, which requires repentance of the one who did wrong. It also discusses intervention as being the loving thing when it is called for.
Boundaries in Marriage, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.
This book helps people who are married to controlling people determine what they "own", such as their feelings, attitudes, behaviors, and choices, and how to create boundaries so that their controlling partner doesn't continue to successfully take them over.
Battered into Submission: The Tragedy of Wife Abuse in a Christian Home, by James and Phyllis Alsdurf.
This book specifically deals with abuse as it pertains to the church. It gives abuse statistics specific to the church, discusses issues such as: submission, divorce, evil, how the church can help with intervention, and quotes popular Christian leaders who have the abuse issue totally wrong.
No Place for Abuse: Biblical and Practical Resources to Counteract Violence, by Nancy Nason-Clark and Catherine Clark Kroeger, Published by Intervarsity.
This book speaks on abuse and what God says about it. This book is a helpful tool for an abused woman who finds herself in an abusive relationship but feels trapped due to traditional teachings on marriage and family. What does God say about it? It will show her how clearly the Lord is vehemently opposed to abuse and what she can do about it. This book is invaluable in the hands of leaders in the church and lay people who find themselves face to face with abuse, whether it be a friend or relative or church member. - Review (parts) from an Amazon customer |
